Haunted

Haunted.

My dreams…filled with fear and memories.

Haunted.

My thoughts…filled with guilt and pain.

Haunted.

My memories…filled with regret and the sharp bite of defeat.

Haunted.

Always clinging, always cloying, always close.

Haunted.

Why can I never have a moment of rest without a memory of what happened?

Haunted.

Why can I never sleep without dreaming about what you did, what you took?

Haunted.

Consumed by the past, never able to live in the present.

Haunted.

Why?

Haunted.

Why did you take my trust, and use it against me?

Haunted.

You manipulated my feelings – using them against me – all for your own gain.

Haunted.

I stood up against you, taking my stand, stepping out of the shadows of your lies and what you did.

Haunted.

We went against you, a united front, reliving our demons…all to take you down.

Haunted.

Over a year, the fight lasted, seeming like it would never end.

Haunted.

Finally, the end was in sight.

Haunted.

We won, but in the end…did it make a difference?

Haunted.

Here I am, left with scars unseen…but no less real.

Haunted.

We won, and you lost…so then why am I still haunted?

 

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When I was a little girl…

When I was a little girl, Narnia was my escape.

It kept me away from the cold harsh reality that was my life.

When I was a little girl, Narnia kept me sane.

When the yelling and screaming reached its highest, Narnia was my sanity.

When I was a little girl, Narnia kept me soft and gentle.

When the shouting and swearing was the loudest, I thought of Aslan, and remembered the peace that he brings.

When I was a little girl, Narnia was my everything.

When there was no one to turn to, I thought of the Pevensies, and they brought me comfort.

When I was a little girl, Narnia was my home.

When life was filled with pain, my dreams were filled with Narnia, the fauns, the driads, the Pevensies…and Aslan.

When I was a little girl, Narnia was my life.

When everything was at its worst, I hid in my closet, and prayed that it would take me to Narnia.

When I was a little girl, my closet didn’t take me to Narnia.

When I was a little girl, the Pevensies didn’t show up.

When I was a little girl, Aslan didn’t come and take me away.

When I was a little girl, I grew up…

 

…and realized that Narnia might not be a real place.

…and the Pevensies might not be real.

…and Aslan isn’t really a Lion, although I did find Him by his other name.

…but they are real to me.
When I was a little girl, I grew up…and finally understood that though they might not be real…

they live in me,

they are real to me,

and in the end…

that is all that matters.

 

Can You?

Can you fix me?

Can you take my weary heart, and fix what has been broken?

 

Can you love me?

Can you love me for me, not this image that you see?

 

Can you see me?

Can you see me for who I really am, not for who you want me to be?

 

Can you heal me?

Can you heal what has been hurt, can you mend what has been torn?

 

Can you hold me?

Can you hold my bloody pieces, can you hold them till I don’t feel so ruined?

 

Can you fix me,

Love me,

See me,

Heal me,

Hold me?

Hi, my name is Fear…

Hi, my name is Fear.

You know me, intimitely, for I walk among your shadows.

You know me, intimitely, for I walk among your dreams.

I strike whenever the moment strikes me, whenever your life is going right.

I strike when you least expect me.

Biting deeply, cutting quickly, rending apart.

When you look over your shoulder, I am there.

When you walk in the evening, in the shadows you will find me.

In the early morning, before dawns first light, that’s where I’ll be.

Did you think you could hide?

Did you think you could run?

I am everywhere…

I am nowhere…

I am everything…

I am nothing…

What am I? Your everpresent companion.

You thought you could get rid of me?

Think again.

What is Fear?

Fear is what drags you from your sleep, causing you to wake in a cold sweat.

Fear is what keeps you awake till dawns first light, causing you to start another day, after another sleepless night.

Fear is always there, in the corner of your eye.

I am in the raised voices, that startle you.

I am in the loud noises that make you flinch.

I am in the smells, that trigger you.

I am in everything.

I am in nothing.

I have no body, I have no shape.

Am I any less real? Any less frightening? No.

I am inside your mind, keeping you from sleep.

I am inside your heart, keeping you from making connections.

I am inside you legs, making you run from shadows.

I am inside you very bones, causing you to flinch away from any form of physical connection.

I am Fear.

I am always present.

The harder you fight, the more I constrict.

The more you run, the faster I consume.

 

But what is this? How are you doing this?

 

Hello, my name Light.

And where I am, you can not be.

Hello, my name is Love.

And where I am, you can not stand.

Hello, my name is Hope.

And where I am, you can’t grab hold.

Hello, my name is Peace.

And where I am, you are cast out.

Hello, my name is Healing.

And where I am, you have no place.

Hello, my name is Joy.

And where I am, you have no foothold.

Hello, my name is Life.

And where I am, you are not.

 

Who am I? I am all those, and much more.

Who am I? Hello, my name is Jesus.

In me, there are no sleepless nights, for I am Peace.

In me, there is no sorrow, for I am Joy.

In me, there is no darkness, for I am Light.

In me, there are no shadows, for I am Hope.

In me, there is no pain. There is no biting deeply, or cutting quickly, no rending apart, for I am Healing.

In me, there is no fear of connection, for I am Love.

In me, there is no fear, for I am Life.

 

What you are, I am not.

What I am, you are not.

Can there be darkness where there is Light? No.

 

For I have overcome.

I have overcome all pain and sorrow.

I have overcome the darkness and shadows that lay in wait.

I have overcome all worry and anxious thoughts.

I have overcome.

 

There is no place you can run, there is no place fear can hide.

Fear has no power to cause pain or suffering, not anymore, and never again.

Fear is nothing, and I am everything.

I am everything, and is nothing.

Where there is Light, darkness can not be.

Where I go, darkness flees.

 

Who are you? You are my Daughter.

Who are you? You are my Sister.

Who are you? You are my Bride.

 

Who are you? You are Mine.

 

What are you? You are Healed.

What are you? You are Calmed.

What are you? You are Hopeful.

 

What are you? You are Loved.

What is Love?

Love is a choice, a promise. When you love someone, you are choosing them. You are promising to love them, no matter what. Love is promising that you won’t leave when someone prettier or younger comes along, that you won’t leave when they start to age. Love is putting their interests before your own. Love is choosing them, every single day. Not just when things are easy, or when you’re getting along…it’s also choosing them when things are difficult, and when you are at odds with each other. So often, love is mistaken for infatuation or even lust. But infatuation quickly fades, and lust is born from our selfish human nature. Love, real love…is pure, and good, and real, and cleansing. Love is our very foundation that we stand upon. Without love…what are we? Without love…we are nothing

You know my Heart…

Lord, you know my heart,

It cries out for the brokenhearted, yearning to ease their pain.

It aches to comfort those who are hurting.

Lord, you know my heart.

It cries for justice, pleading for those who have been denied it.

It yearns to heal the bleeding and broken.

Lord, you know my heart.

You know the anger inside, causing me to choke.

You know the bitterness in me, hurting my soul.

Lord, you know my heart.

You know the hardness that is inside, caused by so much pain.

You know the darkness inside of me, wanting to hurt those who hurt me.

Lord, you know my heart.

You see the grief I feel, born from so much loss.

You see the sadness that I try to keep hidden.

Lord, you know my heart.

You see the scars that cover it, from all the hurt.

You see the tears that it cries in the dark.

Lord, you know my heart.

You know how stubborn it is, when its set in its ways.

You know how cold it can be, towards those who have hurt me.

Lord, you know my heart.

You know how unrelenting it is, when it is angry.

You know how silent it can be, when in doubt.

Lord, you know my heart.

But despite all my faults, despite all my flaws, you love me.

Despite my anger, my bitterness, you love me.

How amazing is your love!

Despite the silence, despite the pain, you love me.

Despite it all, you still love me.

And I am forever in awe of you.

 

Letting Go…

I’m letting go of all the hurt that used to hold me down.

I’m letting go of all the anger that used to drown me.

I’m letting go of all the pain that used to swallow me whole.

I’m letting go.

I’m letting go of the past insecurities that held me back.

I’m letting go of the bitterness that ate at my soul.

I’m letting go.

I will not look back, because there is nothing for me there.

I will not look back, because only grief would be found.

I will not look back, because He has made me new.

I’m letting go.

I’m leaving the darkness that I once lived in.

I’m leaving the past where it belongs.

I’m leaving the memories behind.

I’m letting go.

I’m letting go of the people who hurt me, and I’m giving them to God.

I’m letting go of the harmful ways I once used to cope.

I’m letting go of the person I used to be.

I’m letting go.

Chains are broken.

Bindings are cast off.

Darkness is burned away.

I’m letting go.

There is hope in place of chains.

There is healing instead of bindings.

There is Light, instead of Dark.

I’m letting go.

Where there was once pain, there is now joy.

Where there was once anger, there is now peace.

Where there was once hurt, there is now healing.

I’m letting go.

Right here, right now, I’m letting go.

 

Enough

I can’t help but wonder what you were thinking.

Did you think I was naive?

Did you think I was shy and quiet?

Did you think I was an easy target?

You were wrong.

Did you think I wouldn’t defend my boundaries?

Did you think I wouldn’t stick up for myself?

Did you think I wouldn’t fight back?

You were wrong.

I thought of you as a friend, and you wormed your way into my life.

I thought you were a decent person, kind and good.

I thought, perhaps, that I might even like you.

I was wrong.

You were never a friend, merely a wolf in sheeps clothing.

You were never a decent person, you weren’t kind or good.

Yes, I might have liked you…for a time. But that ended as soon as you revealed yourself for the snake you truly are.

Did you think you could get away with it?

Did you think there wouldn’t be consequences?

Did you think I would let this go so easily?

You were wrong.

You took advantage of our friendship.

You took advantage of the turmoils in my life.

You took advantage of not just me, but others as well.

You have infected my life, and now I need to cleanse it…before the infection spreads.

You have already infected me with fear, and now you have infected my dreams…what more will you take from me?

How much longer till you are satisfied?

Enough.

I will not let you take anymore from me.

Enough.

I will not let the memories plague me anymore.

I will not let this unfounded guilt consume me.

I will not let the “What If’s” run my life.

Because that is exactly what it is…it’s MY life.

I will not let you take any more of it away from me.

I will not let the memories plague me any longer.

I will not let the unfounded guilt consume me anymore.

I will not let these regrets and “What If’s” run my life ever again.

You are now in the past, and I am done looking back.

You will never be a part of my life again, and I can’t wait for my life to finally begin again.

I stand at the door…

“What are you so afraid of?” He asked softly.

“You” She whispered as she slowly backed away, “I’m afraid of loving you,” she said as tears streamed down her face, “because everyone I’ve ever loved…has hurt me, lied to me, abandoned me.” Her steps faltered as she started to turn away from him. “Do you know what that’s like?” She whispered to him or herself, she didn’t quite know.

“I’m so afraid of everything, of everyone! Because everyone that I should have been able to count on, has let me down. Because everyone I have ever loved, and everyone who should have loved me, has tossed me aside. Do you know what that’s like?” She turned her back to him, and her fingers digging into her hair. “I am so sick of being afraid! Afraid of not being lovable, of not being enough.” She dropped to her knees, hands still holding her head, not knowing what to do anymore. And then, he spoke…

“I do know…better than anyone. I know what it’s like to have loved ones turn away, and have them cast you aside. I know what it’s like to be afraid, just like I know what it’s like to be betrayed by those who are closest to you.” He stepped silently towards the distraught child, coming around to kneel in front of her, uncaring of the filth. “I know what it’s like, I understand.” The child slowly lifted her tear stained face, looking searchingly to him.

“But how?” She asked, voice breaking through her pain.

He stretched out his scarred hands, not touching her…but still reaching out. “I know,” he said gently, “because it has happened to me. My friends turned away, a friend denied me, and a friend betrayed me. My Father turned his face away, and I have been cast aside. I know what you are going through. I know you have been cast aside, I know that you have been afraid. I know that you have doubted your worth, doubted your value. Just like I know you have experienced heartache and pain, far to much for someone your age to have gone through. But throughout all of this, you have never – not even once- been alone. I have been beside you, every step of the way. I have seen your pain, I have seen your loss, and I know your doubts. I have waited for you, for so long. I have waited for you to see me, to talk to me. I can heal all your pain, I can take away all your fears, and I can love you with a love beyond comprehension. But I can’t, unless you let me. I have been waiting to take away your pain, your heartache, I have been waiting to soothe your fears. I have been waiting to hold you in my arms, so that I can wipe away all your tears and sadness. All you have to do…is let me.” He spoke with tears in his eyes, looking at her with such love and tenderness, that she had never seen nor experienced. He remained kneeling in the dirt, scarred hands outstretched, his question still hanging in the air.

His name is Jesus, and He has always been there for you. He has never left you, He has been with you through everything. And He wants to help…will you let him in?

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in…”

-Revelation 3:20

Angry

I’m angry, so angry.

The anger I feel is so thick and heavy, its weighing me down.

I’m angry, so angry.

This anger I feel is suffocating me.

I’m angry, so angry.

This anger is so deep inside, I fear its slowly killing me.

I’m angry, so angry.

The anger i feel, it scares me.

I’m angry, so angry.

I fear this anger i have, will devour me whole.

I’m angry, so angry.

My very being is shattered, and I don’t know how to put the myself back together.

I’m angry, so angry.

This anger I feel, makes me fear I am turning into you.

I’m angry, so angry.

You hurt me, so deeply.

I’m angry, so angry.

I wouldn’t care if you had just hurt me, but you didn’t.

I’m angry, so angry.

You hurt those I care about the most, and that is unforgivable.

I’m angry, so angry.

When you raged and destroyed, I was left behind to dry the tears.

I’m angry, so angry.

When you swore and cursed, I was left behind to comfort the hurt.

I’m angry, so angry.

For so long, you left nothing but pain and destruction in your wake.

I’m angry, so angry.

When you would leave, I was left piecing her back together.

I’m angry, so angry.

You made a vow to love and protect, to hold and cherish.

I’m angry, so angry.

Instead, you hated and abandoned, cast away and destroyed.

I’m angry, so angry.

You were supposed to build them up, to love and support them.

I’m angry, so angry.

Instead, you tore them down and neglected your duties as a father.

I’m angry, so angry.

Time and time again, you chose your addiction over us.

I’m angry, so angry.

When you gave in to your vice, you became cold and cruel.

I’m angry, so angry.

You hurt each of us, time and again.

I’m angry, so angry.

But with all this anger…I still can’t stop hoping that you will change, and come back.

I’m angry, so angry.

This anger frightens me…some days I fear I am becoming more and more like you.

I’m angry, so angry.

But even with all of this anger inside of me…I still love you.

I’m angry.